Chapter 7: Where There Is Smoke

So over the weekend I had another goblin siege. They showed up during the winter. Fine, no big deal. But I had to scout around to see where they were to know what bridges to raise. To the south is an axeman regiment and a bowmen regiment. Alright, far southern bridge goes up. To the north is a crossbowmen regiment. Raise the northern bridge. But I can't find the damn fourth regiment. I scout all over, can't see them. Aw damnit, alright, just holdout here and hopefully they don't have some secret way in. The season progresses on and I start getting a little antsy. Spring is close and the Elves should be showing up soon. It's looking like I'm going to have to break the siege to get the elves through. Ok, double check the goblins. Crossbowmen regiment to the north still, to the south the axemen, the bowmen, and oh hey, there's the fourth regiment. A crossbowmen regiment. Aaaaaaaaaalrighty then, guess I'm heading north. I ain't dealing with that group to the south no way no how. So I muster my champions and group them up in front of the northern bridge. Ok, here we go, drop the bridge and charge! Hey, guys, guys, I said charge. Guys, why are you going inside? You're not even going to sleep or eat or drink, you're going to hang out by a statue? Oh you bastards. And the goblins are coming this way. Shit, raise the bridge, raise the bridge! Everyone pull back, regroup. Ok, good, everyone has regrouped.

Except for that idiot Erist, who decided to charge the goblin regiment by himself. Brave soul. Foolish, but brave. The thing is, he holds his own, manages to kill four goblins before being forced to retreat, and by that time a couple more champions have shown up and they take care of the rest of the regiment. Ok, nice. Broke that side of the siege, no casualties.

And then I get a message.

A dragon has showed up.

Oh FUCK. A dragon. A dragon. A freaking dragon. Ok, where is it. It's down south, right near the goblin regiments. Huh. Hmmmmmmm. Lower the far southern bridge and raise the near southern bridge. Maybe I can get lucky and it'll wander into a cage trap, cause, let's face it, the only thing cooler than a pet hydra would be a pet dragon. No such luck though. The dragon notices the goblins. The goblins notice the dragon.

I..uh....I....let's just say I'm glad the goblins had to deal with the dragon.

The goblins advance on the dragon. The dragon advances on the goblin. The goblins advance on the dragon. The dragon BREATHES FIRE ON THE GOBLINS. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! The entire screen fills up with flame. HOLY SHIT! That's...that's evil. Freaking evil. I say, out loud, "the world is burning!" And it is. Everything is on fire, and I can't see a damn thing. Smoke everywhere, and they are fighting in it. Goblins are running around on fire, everyone is choking on smoke. Eventually, the smoke clears and the dragon is dead. How, I have no freaking clue. It is. And amazingly the goblins came out ok. The only real casualty is one goblin that lost his right arm and is wandering around falling unconscious every few feet. Plus, you know, lots and LOTS of burned mullets. Eventually the goblins go away, I run in, grab the dragon bones and decorate a platinum statue with them. Finders keepers. The elves don't show up. Bastards.

So another year rolls by, and spring has arrived. I deploy my top two military units to protect the roads and get the elves safely to my trade depot. We're waiting and we're waiting and we're waiting. AMBUSH! Damn goblins. One crossbowmen unit from the north, two melee units from the south. My champions unit the south takes care of the melee units no problem. Things don't fare as well in the north. My dwarves are on the move back north, coming back from a meal, when they run into the ranged unit. Arrows rain down from the sky on the leading dwarf. Oh he's going to be toas-NOPE, he sidesteps all the arrows like he's freaking Neo. Hops into the fray and starts killing goblins. But he gets beaten up pretty bad. His arms are heavily damaged and he's taken a shot to the head. He's slowed down enough to where the goblins can pepper him with arrows and he dies. Damnit. The rest of the dwarves close and take care of the goblins. I lost a champion. Gravelscarred has a day of mourning.

I decide to reward my best military dwarves with a special burial ground called the Hall of Champions (under construction). When I built my new barracks I had niches built into the walls, smoothed and engraved by my finest stoneworkers. True heroes of Gravelscarred are interred there, in coffins made of their favorite material with accompanying statue (or made of gold if their favorite material is unavailable). There are three such burial sites prepared, for Momuz, Kogan and Lor. But the other champions deserve better than the plebeans, so that's where the Hall of Champions comes in. It will be a long hall, engraved floors and walls, with coffins for all my champion fighters that don't reach true hero status.

After all that the elves finally come...and all they bring with them is a bunch of bins of cloth. I'm so pissed I could spit. I have half a mind to kill the fuckers. I lost a champion for this?! Bloody useless hippies.