Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last Gravelscarred story. I've had some stuff happen, but nothing that really warranted a story of its own. There was the wounding of Kogan and his subsequent healing for 6 months while I figured out how to get the arrows out of his thigh and hand. There was the near abduction of the Kings youngest son and subsequent gruesome death at the indifference of the dwarves. There's the tales of the true badass of Gravelscarred. Kogan may be the Hero of Gravelscarred, but no one...NO ONE...is more badass than Momuz. At one point I watched Momuz single-handedly destroy 3 goblin ambushes at the same time, without getting injured. Momuz now has two artifact armor pieces and a wields a fucking awesome artifact golden sword. Momuz doesn't have a nickname. Why? Cause the freaking GAME gave him one, The Defensive Scale of Bronze. Strangely enough, Momuz also has decided to wear a dress, despite being male. I can't tell if he's a transvestite or going for an ancient roman look. Frankly, I think he's doing it in the hopes that someone will make a comment. Fortunately for the rest of Gravelscarred, no one has been that stupid. Since then, Lor the Butcher has also received a title, a freaking awesome one too. The Infinite Net of Winds.
But finally last night I had something interesting enough happen to write it up.
I've been having a problem with goblin ambushes lately, mostly coming with the caravans. One year I didn't get to trade with anyone because of goblin ambushes slaughtering them. So now I've taken to stationing my top two military units on the roads at the change of seasons to wait for caravans and escort them in. I now have two really good melee units. There's still my champions unit headed by Momuz, 6 dwarves, all of them legendary in everything and maxed out attributes. That's the special forces unit. Then there's my other unit headed by Lor, where all the dwarves are listed as champions, but they don't have quite the legendary skills or attributes like Momuz's unit. Still, they hold their own.
So spring rolls around and I station the units on the roads to meet the Elven caravan. The elves may be prissy bastards, but they do bring the exotic animals and I'm trying to get an exotic animal breeding program going, so I have to make sure the elves get through. I tell my dwarves to carry food and water, and sleep on the ground. That keeps them stationed in position as much of the time as possible. This has worked the past couple of game years to get the elves through.
So my dwarves are stationed and hanging out, waiting for the elves to arrive, when I get the most dreaded message.
A vile force of darkness has arrived.
Oh.
Shit.
Goblin siege.
Quick, where are they? Please let them be far away. Please let them be far away. I zoom to the bottom of the map where Lors 8 dwarves are stationed. Ayup, there they are. Two full regiments of goblins, one of axemen, the other of bowmen, all lined up there along the bottom of the map, three feet from my secondary champions unit. Now, I have taken these dwarves against ambushes before and they do well, but each ambush unit is only 6 goblins or so. A single regiment of goblins in a siege will have around a dozen or so, headed by a champion of their own. Plus there's an archer unit. But oh well, there's nothing to be done about it, can't retreat now, they are right there. Unpause the game, let her rip.
The goblins never stood a chance.
My 8 dwarves in the secondary champions unit SHREDDED the two goblin regiments. Not only did they not have any casualties, they didn't even get WOUNDED. Half the goblin axemen retreated in terror, only to come back later and get slaughtered as soon as they entered the map. The bowmen when down like a sack of bricks. The entire bottom of the screen is littered with corpses and pieces of corpses. Many....many pieces. I'm laughing my ass off, that'll show those goblins who's boss around here. I don't know if I'd march my squads out against a full arrayed siege, but the goblins sure picked a bad time to invade. I can just imagine the scene.
Scooter, leader of the goblin forces: Ok, Snarltooth, Billy Joe, Mullet Bob, get over here. Now, we're near Gravelscarred. They'll see us coming, but they won't have time to react. We should have a clear path all the way to their gates. They don't stand a chance. Alright, ready boys? All together now. CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGOHSHIT!
Lor the Butcher: OHAI
*SMASHCHOPMAIMKILL*
Lor the Butcher: thanks for coming
It's like that scene from Star Wars where Han is chasing the stormtroopers and then runs into a room full of stormtroopers. Really. Bad. Timing.
So I'm watching Lor chopping up some goblins and then I realize, hey, goblin sieges tend to have four regiments, not just two.
Oh crap.
I zoom up to the top of the map and find the four dwarves present in Momuz's unit mopping up the last of the goblins on their side. Two full regiments, swordsmen and crossbowmen. Taken apart by my champions unit. Momuz is looking happy, Kogan looks slightly less pissed off than usual.
You boys kick ass.
So I spend the next 20 minutes designating all the goblin armor for melting/dumping and the MASSIVE cleanup project gets underway. Well, at least I'll have a lot of goblin bones to make bolts for my marksdwarves to use for practice. I keep my units stationed in their spots during the clean up process in case some ambushes arrive (they prove useful to kill the axemen that had fled earlier and returned). All the dwarves are busy, life is good. Then I get the message: The Titan Aton Fancypants has arrived.
Now, there was a time I would've panicked. I'd have called all the civilians in, mobilized every military dwarf I had and marched them out against the titan. Now? Not so much. One, I have learned that titans are the wussiest of the megabeasts to lay siege. It's basically being attacked by an NBA center. Two, I know how badass my champions are.
The titan shows up at the bottom of the screen, where Lor's unit is stationed. Ok, whatever. Lor, go over and take care of that. Civilians don't even notice. Lors unit wanders over to the titan. Aton Fancypants snarls at Lor and demands gold. Lor snaps her fingers (yeah, turns out Lor is a woman, GIRL POWER) says "bitch please" and chops off the titans foot. The titan falls over and Lors unit piles on en masse. Dead titan. Cool, more bones to decorate a platinum statue.
My champions are awesome.
After all this, the goddamn elves don't even show up. My best guess is that they arrived at the edge of the map, took one look at the field of dead goblins and turned around. Wusses.
In other news, despite my attempts to seed for certain types of artifacts (which worked to a surprising extent), I still manage to have a dwarf make the MOST USELESS ARTIFACT EVER. A dwarf, despite being a mason, decided to take over a leatherworks and make a..get this...cow leather flute. A COW LEATHER FLUTE. Honestly, leather artifacts are mostly useless anyways, but a cow leather flute?! You can't even PLAY the damn thing. Upon closer inspection, that dwarf was found to have a pair of gauntlets pinned to his tunic. He's "special".
Lastly, I have a pet hydra. That's right bitches. A hydra showed up, and while I was contemplating a way of luring it into a cage trap, it obliged by making a bee line straight for one. Caged hydra. I then assigned a dwarf to tame it, and despite wetting himself, the dwarf was able to. So I have a pet hydra. I was hoping to use it as a new method for executing goblins, but when I released the goblin thief into the hydra room all the hydra did was roll over and beg for a tummy rub. I think they did too good a job taming it. So now the hydra is chained up in the kings throne room by an artifact chain. The hydra is now the official symbol of Gravelscarred and I'm working on making a hydra temple. If I can pull it off the way I want, I will have no choice but to post pictures because it will be the coolest thing ever.
My greatest hope is that another hydra shows up and I can capture it and tame it. The hydra I have now is female. I want to start a hydra breeding program. Think about it. Would that not be be coolest thing ever? I don't consider this a likely prospect as it was something of a miracle I caught the one hydra, but hey, here's hoping.
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