Chapter 3: The Hero of Gravelscarred

So I've had little trouble with goblin sieges lately. Instead, I've had ambushes. Which is actually worse. Sieges are easy to deal with. They come announced and start at the edge of the map. I simply find out where they are, raise a bridge or two, close some hatches, and effectively isolate the siege to one part of the map where they sit harmlessly (or even helpfully) until they get bored and leave. The ambushes are sneaky, showing up in a group of 5 or 6, usually attacking a lone fisherdwarf out fishing away from the fortress. I usually don't get casualties from sieges, but lose a dwarf or two from ambushes.

I'm happily playing along one day when the game pauses and I get the "An ambush! Curse them!" message. Oh great. I check around and find the ambush. One goblin snuck up on a fisherdwarf waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay away from my fortress. I check the dwarf to see what he's wearing. He's wearing a tattered tunic, tattered pants and one shoe. How he's fishing like that, I'll never know. He doesn't even have a fishing pole. I figure this guy's lost but what they hell. I activate his military skills and let him go up against this fully armed goblin.

Apparently the goblin decided to mess with the wrong dwarf. Fisherdwarf goes nuts. He attacks the goblin with his bare hands and knocks the damn thing unconscious. The dwarf then proceeds to beat the ever loving shit out of the goblin for 5 minutes straight. I'm checking the damage on the goblin. All his limbs and major body parts are mangled beyond recognition, this goblin is in bad shape. But it's not dying, it's just broken. But the dwarf isn't giving up. He just keeps on beating and beating and beating. That is one tough dwarf. I'm liking this dwarf. I've got a spot open in the fortress guard, when he's done killing the goblin I'm putting him in the guard, which is a really cushy position.

Then the goblins friends show up. The other 5 of the ambush come up behind the dwarf, who doesn't see them. One shot, back of the head, dead dwarf. I declare a national day of mourning.

So now I've got these 5 goblins hanging around. Better take care of them. I activate my axedwarf unit, they are a little green and I want to get them some battle experience. They shouldn't have much trouble with these lot of goblins. Alright boys, get down there and take care of the goblins.

And now we begin the tale of the Hero of Gravelscarred.

The axedwarf unit is led by Kogen Lamesreg, or Kogen Roundgloves in lay terms. Kogen is a bad man. Kogen is one bad motherfucker.

Given the name it is perhaps unsurprising that Kogan is an elite wrestler, though he also currently wields a copper mace as wrestlers have limited utility in the game. Kogen wears a full suit of steel plate armor. He is not a dwarf to be trifled with.

So Kogen and the two axedwarves that aren't sleeping/eating/drinking/being useless show up and they very quickly mop up the remaining goblins. Then they wander over to where the ambush killed the fisherdwarf. They come upon the corpse of the fisherdwarf next to the mangled and yet still alive goblin. You can imagine the scene. It's in the woods next to the river. An idyllic scene. Kogen has just finished killing goblins, he's feeling pretty good. He comes upon the scene of one of his fallen brethren, the poor dwarves head crushed in, the body mangled and lifeless. Next to the dead dwarf, the broken but breathing body of a goblin. At that time we get the message that a goblin snatcher got away with a child. First child I lost to snatchers. Kogen...Kogen got a little upset.

Kogen picked up the goblin and threw it. Across the river. Into a solid rock wall. Splat it went. Goblin chunks. Was a heck of a throw. Like I said, Kogen is a bad man.

Anyways, life goes on for a while. A few more goblin snatchers show up and blunder into some stonefall traps. A couple dwarves are outside cleaning up the mess when another ambush hits, right near my gates. Aw fuck. A goblin hits one of the dwarves out there, but both dwarves manage to run away relatively unscathed, while the goblins mill about a bridge. I quickly raise the bridge, and the invaders are locked out. Ok, let's see what we can do with this situation.

I think about sending a melee unit out there to take care of them, but the ambush is mostly goblin crossbowmen and a barrage of bolts can take down even the best melee before they get close. However, the goblins are invading the single best defended spot on my fortress. There is a double-wide trench running from a sheer cliff face on one side to a sheer cliffs edge on the other. The only way over the trench is by one bridge, which is now raised. In other words, it's impassible. In addition, built along the fortress side of the trench is a solid stone palisade, two floors tall. On the upper floor I've carved fortifications, meaning bolt holes for marksdwarves and siege operators to shoot through. And they are shooting from elevation. Ok, let's do this the easy way. Markesdwarves, get your asses up there and take out the ambush. In addition, my siege operators really need some practice, so get some of the catapults firing. I sincerely doubt the catapults will hit anything, but it's something for the boys to do.

Ok, the marksdwarves that aren't eating/drinking/sleeping/being useless get up on the second level palisade and open fire on the goblins. For two seconds. They shoot one arrow and run back indoors. What...the...FUCK?! I made quivers for you bastards. You are wearing the quivers I made for you. Why on gods green earth did you guys only put one bolt in your quivers? What kind of mentally handicapped drunkard dwarves did I conscript into the archery unit?! Oh for petes sake.

Not that the marksdwarves are completely ineffective. They managed to kill one goblin, and two others got nicked in the arm and ran away (pansies). They can't fire back. I figure, ok, this strategy will work, it's just going to take 5 years while the marksdwarves get ammo.

And then I see one of the goblins icons turn blue, fly about 10 squares backwards, and then turn red (aka dead). What the hell just happened?

Turns out one of my civilians firing the catapults made the shot of his life. We're talking full court hook shot blind-folded lucky, and squarely pegged a goblin. I later found that dwarf at the bar, high-fiving people and buying drinks, regaling the clientèle with stories of his epic battle.

So that ambush ends and life continues on. Do do dooooo "An ambush! Curse them!". Goddamnit, ok, what now. Another fisherdwarf, at the same damn place as the first one just got ambushed again! What kind of morons are you? Clearly that's ambush country, but noooooooo, you have to fish there instead of one the nearby fishing holes. This is natural selection at work, folks. Ok, 6 goblins show up, I activate the fisherdwarf. Fisherdwarf goes ballistic and manages to kill 2 of the goblins before being killed. He held his own. I'm adding him to the day of mourning for the first guy. National Idiot Fisherdwarf Memorial Day. But I've still got 4 goblins down there. Hmmmm, whom shall I send.....

Axedwarf unit. Kogen. Go clean up that mess. Kogen grabs the axedwarves that aren't eating/drinking/sleeping/being useless. Which is TWO of them. How come whenever I use that unit my two axe LORDS are always busy, hmm? They always manage to show up after the fighting is done. I think a court martial is in order. Anyways, Kogen wanders down there with two axedwarves who, while not green, have basically just gotten out of basic training. They are capable but inexperienced.

I should've just sent Kogen alone.

They show up down there and are milling around. The goblins are milling around. Apparently both goblins and dwarves are blind as bats. Finally they run into each other and fun happens. Both axedwarves jump on one goblin, slashing away. Kogen runs into another goblin. He then proceeds to tie that goblin into a pretzel and THROW it over his shoulder 6 squares. Think about that. It's nearly the force of the catapult. Dead goblin. He comes up on the other two goblins, who go from looking fierce and snarling to shitting their armor. Two shots and one goblin is dead. He then starts folding the second one into a balloon doggie when the axedwarves turn up for a few final chops and that ends the goblins. One of my axe lords then turns up and goes "HAY GUSY, WHAS GONG ON HER?"

At this point, I'm staring at the computer screen yelling "KOGEN IS ONE BAD MOTHERFUCKER" Ok, stand down boys, stand down. You did good. Back to the fortress. The peasants will be here shortly to clean up. Kogen, go wash the blood off, my friend.

As things are getting back to normal I check out Kogens thoughts and preferences. Kogens been pretty happy lately. He took joy in the slaughter (as is expected). He just doesn't care about anything anymore (perhaps also expected). He is romantically involved?! With whom? Nils something or other. Waaaiiit, let me guess. Ayup, his love interest is a woman my other melee unit, the mace dwarves. They sparred and fell in love.

My god. This is like a movie. Champion defender of Gravelscarred falls in love with another officer.

In an effort to protect further idiot fisherdwarves, I have now started the Gravelscarred State Park and Preserve project, wherein I'm walling in a huge portion of the forest leading down to the river. Hopefully my idiot fisherdwarves will be able to fish in peace. It's a bitch of a project though, because it's huge and it requires a lot of my dwarves to spend a lot of time outdoors in a very undefended area, whilst also leaving a fortress entrance conspicuously open. I have to have my military units escort them. Plus it takes work away from my new pet project, the Absurdly Pointless Giant Tower. I built an interior stairway coming out the top of the highest cliff pass (aka the highest point on my map) and now am building a giant tower. It's going to go as many levels high into the sky as possible. It's made of smoothed microcline blocks (which are a very pretty light blue color) and the top of the tower will be a large cap made out of clear glass. The tower has NO POINT WHATSOEVER. I just like the idea of some traveler coming through and going:

"Whoa, what the hell is that?"
"That's the Gravelscarred tower."
"What's it for?"
"Nothing."
"Then why did you build it?"
"This is Gravelscarred. We built it because we could. WELCOME TO FUCKING GRAVELSCARRED."

That, or if I can arrange it I want to capture a firefly in a cage and put it up there. It's a lighthouse! Or if it ever becomes necessary, it could be the final resting place of Kogen Roundgloves. Kogen is now like my favorite dwarf. More so then the Captain of the Guard, who was the first Hero(ine) of Gravelscarred and duly-elected Mayor 10 consecutive terms. A side note about the Mayor, she is married to a planter and they have 13 children. 13. You think between being Mayor and Captain of the Guard she wouldn't have the time. But that woman's a go-getter.